It's been a while well a long long while since I posted on this blog. Could have Should have done this a while but after my April post on my other blog blogger changed everything and I hate change. So many decisions so much to ponder. I am a bit excited and apprehensive that they are taking my older sister's baby early next week. She's been classified as high risk because she is 40, has had few miscarriages. My sister well both of them have gestational diebetes. Thing is baby has started losing weight. Baby is 4.5 pounds right now so we don't know what to expect. Honestly my sister jinxed it right from the start. They still refuse to get the baby anything, no baby shower etc. Both my sisters were due first week in August. Ha it was going to be my best Birthday yet. I just pray this kid will be o.k.


As for life it isn't good. I want to teach so badly but nothing. It kills me so much inside. I miss the kids. I can't believe the class I student taught in graduated from high school this year. I love hearing from them now. I pray they all stay healthy and happy. All my students are my kids. I just love them that much. It's funny on fb to hear some of my students remembering their 5th grade year and wishing they could go back to it. 5th grade doesn't look too bad when you are going into your senior year of high school know the decisions that you will be making in the next few lives will most likely set your life on course. I feel like I've failed at this. Failed at life.No job no guy no kids. The job situation is killing me. I know I'm good at teaching kids. I've seen the results and have been told by many that their children made progress because of me. I even would consider tutoring kids in hospitals. Maybe I could get an edge in child life that way because the program to get in it is crazy. I interested in counseling siblings of cancer patients. Again the issue is how to get there.


I'm trying to fight for a little girl's MAW trip. Her bio dad won't sign the paperwork so she can go on the trip to see MICKEY MOUSE. The father has not been involved in this child's care and all the sudden January comes and he want visitation. It would be ok if he was a normal guy but from what I heard he has been very neglectful of his daughter on her overnights. She came back Sunday from a visit and was so confused because her dad told her not to like the grandparents and say she wanted her dad and half sister to go on the trip instead. Then she cried and told her grandparents what her dad had told her to say. He also isn't concerned with her medical protical for her cancer. Makes me made that this four year old can't have her wish because the dad won't sign. Blah. Been talking with the village etc. The dad only gets visits and has no legal rights to this child yet he has the power to take her wish away?


O.K Things have been very rough lately possible no job what to do anxiety, dream anxiety, being hurt my friends. No one that would read this blog, and insurance issues. My lapo surgery did go well on May 31 but didn't find anything. Family coming back on Friday. Julie made another Lyssie video that I will place here after my letter.

Dearest Lyssie: Couldn't find the purple so this will have to do. I hope you caught the balloon I sent up to you. I know Erin and Ellie got theirs too. It just didn't feel right not getting you one too. I saw so many new balloons you would have loved. I had to distract my mind and chat with the people buying balloons as to not cry. Boey's song  came on too so I think she wanted to be remembered too. You know I wish I had all the answers about heaven. Wish I could be certain. Here's one do kids age in heaven? Do you get thrown birthday parties, Are you watching Mom Mom and Babe? Do you know all my secrets? Somehow I think you knew my secrets while you were here. When kids die that are older then you are you older in heaven? Have you met Erin yet? There's so much I don't know. I do know that your parents miss you so much Allysa Elizabeth. Not a minute goes by that they don't think of you. I haven't gone back to visit because at first I got real sick and now I think I'd cry so much I'd loose it. I'm very aware of certain dates. When I visited, made plates etc. I just really miss you. There have been countless conversations in my head with you. How I wish you were back here. I would make your Mom Mom a video but need different pictures. I learned how to make video for Erin's family but not sure they liked it. I was trying to give them something to remember Erin. Oh well I tried. I know you are very busy up there but could you help me out a bit? Give me some direction to go on? Is it time to go home? I love you I like you to infinitey and beyond. P.S. Watch over my sister's baby (Shsh I want a girl) and send her down with a big kiss from you. My mind is getting so weery Think you get that more then people here. I miss you Lyssie

This song is sort of appropriate to answer questions. Lyssie you know I'm having a hard time feeling him.