Happy 2011! I hope your 2010 was a learning experience. I just want to acknowledge that I know I'm late this year! I even debated if I should just get the cards out and sign them. To me that didn't sound too personal. I know when I receive a card it's nice to be thought of but when I get to see your kids on the card or hear about some things you did that year it is extra special. I have been trying to think of the best way to do my cards this year. The letter last year was a bit long and I do want to send something so my friends don't think I forgot them yet balance my time which I don't seem to have enough of these days. (I'm starting this at 2:00 am. Lol)
All in all looking back at the past year it was neither good or bad. I think my mind has experienced some shifting on the subject of life. It wasn't one thing in general but of course target events that in the end come together like a puzzle. Lately I have been thinking of how my life has been like a puzzle. Even how I go about putting a puzzle together is how my life thoughts have shifted. I have friends( a very good one in fact) that when a puzzle is put down in front of her face she is already into it, tackling it head on. She enjoys puzzles. I on the other hand cringe when a puzzle is put in front of me. This is not my idea of a good time. If life's puzzles would just leave me alone I would be more then grateful but avoidance doesn't get you around life's puzzles. Life's puzzles will happen to you weather or not you tackle it on or avoid it is up to you.
There are probably a dozen reasons during my teens years that I avoided different parts of my puzzles. My thoughts were I was told I'm not good at puzzles or this problem is too big too handle, or the denile that these pieces even existed. I tried to make up the perfect puzzle and even today I still struggle with some of that. I did get some things correct like earning my BA in psych and my Masters in Education but I sacrificed many things in my life to make the appearance that all was perfect in my life. I still struggle with trying to please people especially the parents but as I realize some of the deeper things in life I will hopefully come up with solutions to these pieces of the puzzle.
In the beginning of the year I would say that I was defiantly immersed in the small pieces of the puzzle. Just this was overwhelming enough. I couldn't see past the small things to even get an idea of what the whole picture is "supposed " to look like. This year has taught me so much. I am able to look back and see the reason why. This was the year when by the end of 2010 I could actually see things coming together again and seeing the signs that I was looking for all along. I can pin point some of these things for you events that happened or people I met during this year. If I could I'd even add songs and music because in my toughest of times and deepest of struggles music seems to express what words can't for me. There was literally a song that came on the radio at the right time and saved my life. If you are reading this on my blog I will actually add youtube clips in to introduce you to the music and songs that helped me out and continue to encourage me. Lucky you!
In the beginning of the year things were still looking pretty bleak. I was feeling like a failure and hating life because if living life without a purpose and struggling so hard with the food piece I just didn't feel like living. I was more just existing and what is existing when I was tired and I just felt it was painful to live through another day. It hurt to breath. I actually looked forward to night to escape from my mind when I could finally fall asleep. I also felt like I didn't matter if I lived. Nobody would miss me. I felt my family would rather have me dead or that I had already died to them. I'm defiantly invisible to them. Maybe this makes it easier for them not to have to deal with me but it also leads to a lonely place where I felt the world would be better off without me. A piece of me also felt that maybe my purpose in life was that God thought it was time for me to die. I really struggled with the religion piece for a while. I felt that maybe God was punishing me for leaving my job two years prior and moving back to New Hampshire. I thought this is the reason that I wasn't making progress with the job search and not making progress with my eating disorder. I figured well God has the power to help me change but I'm stuck and haven't seen progress in years. This isn't living so maybe I have already fulfilled what he wants and maybe I am supposed to die from my eating disorder. Well I'm glad to say that I'm still here so that wasn't the case. Sometimes it hurt to breath but I still took the next breath. One night was particually painful when this song came on from a radio station that I had listened to off and on.(Shout out to air 1 positive alternative!)(http://www.air1.com/) This song happened to come on at the right time and saved my life. Of course my friend's blog helped me refocus or redirect. Thanks Reilly! I really believe your blog gave me a purpose. You never know the seeds you sew.
Ha! So that part of the letter was written the first week of January since writing the snow has piled up and life continues. I have been meaning to finish this letter but haven't felt in the place to do it and my heart was doubting weather it was still important or if people really cared but since it's my February vacation. I decided to put it out there. I'm going to mention particular events that happened this year that impacted me to change or see the big picture. Maybe even some goals for the rest of this year. Note : Not resolutions just things to focus my energy on. LOL You can never learn too much from this journey called life. Right?
As I was saying during the first couple of months during the year I was really struggling with a purpose. I had this really scary dream that I was in a fatal accident right now the road from where I live. I was on a bus with many people that I knew. As soon as we had the accident I knew my injuries were fatal. I could tell. One of the girls I babysat as a kid and is now 18(am I old or what?) looked at me as she was leaving the bus and didn't want to go. I just looked at her and was like I'll be all right just go. Thing is the ambulance kept taking people away and helping them but I kept asking for help and they were like you have internal injuries you are going to die anyway. Grrr... Nobody listened to me. I was calling out for help and everyone was like why bother you are going to die anyway. This is a very scary dream to have. It took me a while to let go of the feeling of that one. I've always had the death fear but after that night mare I still have vivid flashbacks. Just explaining it gives me the creeps! I guess the thing I took out of this experience was how valuable you are in others lives. How much I value Emily and Abby, my friends 18 month old daughter. For the most part of 2010 I spent with my friend Lydia, and her daughter Abby. I have basically watched Abby grow up. At the time I spent much time worrying about where I was with my life and didn't realize the bond I had with Abby. I would do anything for her. Abby and Emily is what keeps me going.
The next big event in my life was one of my friend's husbands hung him self. I know I didn't do everything right. I tried to be there for her. Took time away from my college class I took this spring to be at the funeral. I had never met her before but talked to her on many occasions for years. I would try to ask her but didn't want to be intrusive. I worried about her falling a part. She had three kids under the age of 7. I really felt bad and tried to help but I guess I didn't do enough. It still hurts because I care and once I'm friends with someone I don't take it lightly. Through thick and thin right. Well the big picture on this one was it opened my eyes to how much a suicide can effect the family members and friends. I do still believe that in order for a person to get to that point they have to see no other way out for the pain to go away but how could I ever do that do anyone? It would be wrong for me to do something that drastic.
Another thing that has changed my perspective is that I have become really involved with the COLES foundation. (http://www.colesfoundation.com/)You are assigned sick children and you can adopt a child to pray for. Many of these children have been fighting cancer or other life threatening dieses. I have been involved with Make a Wish for years and was a Disney volunteer but this work is so rewarding. It's like a second job that I do at night since the death of my computer. I keep up with over a hundred kids. What these children go through on a daily basis is incredible. I see so much strength in these kids. It really puts your life in perspective. I was afraid to die until I watched how these children and parents went through the process. The faith journey is amazing and it really teaches you to value each and every moment. Life can be taken away so quickly so stop to enjoy the moment. Say yes to the extra minutes you have because you never know what will be your last. I have to say I have come far with the concept of death. I really feared dying since I was a child but now I still have some doubt but also a piece of understanding around it. Yes, death is unfair especially when it comes to children. Cancer and any other diesease that take away children I will fight for a cure. Every child should have the ability to grow up. I am trying to spread awareness for childhood cancer. There is actually a private group on facebook that I'm a part of. I pray for kids every night. It is sad when you can click 20 kids off the top of your head that died this year from cancer and six this week that are on hospice. I send random things in the mail, make bracelets and do what I can. One family in particular I have become really close to Lyssie about 2.5 hours away.
My kids at work send cards to her and I've made some visits. She's four and dying of a brain tumor. Time is so Precious and God does have his big plan but one big lesson I have learned is that it is not the what you have in your life it is the who you have in your life and to value time with each person. Right now I'm living for other people. In some respects I still don't see the big picture and if my time came to go today it would be o.k. Thing is that only God knows his plans for me. Until that time I must continue to care for others and GIVE back. My life isn't about me but for others.
In November of this year I started a part time job working as a title one interventionist. I take children from 11:30-3:00 and pull them out of class for extra reading and math groups. The town I'm teaching in isn't like the places I've taught before. The school doesn't have as much money and resources that most of the places I've taught at do. The children come from homes that the kids are just struggling to get by, or their parents need help. It's sad to see. You know what??? I value these kids so much. I would do anything to help them learn and if that means take on the extra roles of counselor, parent educator, social worker etc. I will do this for my kids. I consider them my kids. Once they are placed in my group I'm their advocate. Why don't they have this or maybe we should try that. I really miss my own classroom. I love the freedom of being able to teach with a more creative twist to the curriculum. Children get bored with lessons that came from a book. They can't relate. These kids are another reason for me getting up in the morning. I love the challenging kids the most. Especially my fourth and fifth graders. We get to have real life conversations and they get it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this gets my foot in the door for next year but again the district is cutting and there are so many highly qualified teachers not having their own classroom. Also the testing situation causes me anxiety because I know everyone in our school tries to do their best at teaching yet the school is in year four of the restructuring process for not making AYP. This is the point where all the teachers, principals can be fired in the school so the school is going with book based programs but I listened to the children complaining that the stories they are reading are things they can't relate to. I'm not sure if the teaching style has changed so much that you don't have the freedom to teach as I found before in the classroom. This has made me reconsider my career choice. Child life, which is working in the hospitals with children that have life threatening dieses. You explain to the children what procedures they will be going through, work with them, and some playing is involved. I like both and it would be a big career change and right now I want to afford getting out of my house. We'll see how that one turns out.
As far as treatment goes for my eating disorder. I did IOP in December before I came off the cobra insurance. It went really well with me taking risks but should have taken more. Regression is not a good thing. You know sometimes I'm convinced that my body doesn't need as much as others. Guess I'm trying to prove that I have no needs. Also I know to give my life up and not to be selfish. Some things just clicked for me this year. I think I know more about my issues and a lot of it is religion based. I was mad at God and doubted for a long time but I have seen glimpses of the puzzle fit sometimes with random strangers or people that have crossed paths with. Everything is there for a reason we sometimes are caught off gaurd or don't see it all until the end.
Looking forward I still think I have lots of work to do and giving up some of the anxiety about things would help. I feel like if I had more faith and trust then maybe I would be less anxoius. I need to look at life as a journey and not worry about where I should be. My life is my work and I will give until there is nothing left. I struggle with putting others needs before mine or even valuing my life. I'm at the point where I'm like whatever you want but I don't get my answers quickly enough. I value the journey called life and need more faith.
I'm going to leave you with a few songs that have changed my life. Maybe next year I'll do a song posting. Here's to better days in 2011. This video is from a cancer family that did an video instead of Christmas card. Maybe next year I can do that. Hope your 2011 is bright and wonderful. Love to all! Sarah
PS If you are a regular blog reader you probably have seen the songs before!!!
