Valentine's Day Post

                                             Happy Valentine's Day!!

I didn't get Christmas cards done this year so instead I'm sharing this Valentine's Day letter. I will also add pictures from 2017-2018. 

Happy 2018!! I hope everyone is having a great 2018 thus far. My apologies for not getting my Christmas Cards out on time this year. (Don’t worry I have waited to open my Christmas cards until I get these cards mailed out. Motivation is a good thing.) I had ordered them but they didn’t make it to my house until after Christmas.  As January flew by I decided I would just send Valentine’s to everyone. It’s always nice to get a card in the mail among the bills.

I’ve been keeping busy lately with substitute teaching in grades k-5. I like the flexibility it allows since I can make my own schedule. I do miss having my own classroom and I’m still hoping that one day it will happen again. Since I sub in 6 different schools (in different towns) it is hard to get to know all the children. I miss not having that deep connection to the students I work with.

Along with substitute teaching my family has kept me hopping. In December 2016 after Christmas my older sister, Beth surprised the family telling us she was pregnant with another baby. She had been told it wasn’t possible to have any more children since she is older. My mom had given away all the baby things in her house. My mom’s reaction when she was told my sister was pregnant? “No, you can’t be pregnant.” That is how my 2017 started. I was looking forward to a new niece in April.

Victoria Ann Walton was born on April 20, 2017. Her sister, Isabella, 4, was so excited to have a little sister. I spent most of my summer in the car with my sister and her two children. Victoria would scream if there were not someone in the backseat next to her. There were many times I stayed in the car with Victoria while her mom would run into a store or daycare to pick up her sister. Needless to say we bonded.

Another challenge we had this fall was my younger sister (Anne) had to move to Boston for her job. We had her children Benjamin, 7 and Emilija, 5 from September to December. My friends like to tease me about this saying I got to do the child raising without having to have the kids. I actually think it would be easier to have my own children because with my sister’s children it was obvious that her parenting style was not the same as my parents or mine. This lead to some trying times.  I’ll just leave it at that. Lol.

Well, I need to get this letter out so it doesn’t become St. Patrick’s Day and I need to look for new cards again. Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

                                                 Benjamin's 8th Birthday. 11/22/17

                                                 Isabella and baby Victoria 

                                          Victoria Ann Walton 4/20/17

                                                   Cousins. Isabella's 5th Birthday 7/9/17
                                                    Benjamin, Isabella, and Emilija

                                                    Emilija's dance 6/17 Anne and Em.

                                                 Emilija dance

Wow! My program won't let me add more pictures. I will do another blog post later with more pictures. 

Watch what you say when on pain meds

Hmmmm I've been meaning to post since my last post went public. At that time I had just had emergency surgery the night before and didn't realize til latter that the entry was posted. Oops! I had written that post back in Oct but never finished it. I guess with having the morphine pump there things were a bit hazy. Oh well I guess I could have said or done a lot worse of things so the few things I do regret aren't much considering. Perhaps the first 24 hours after having an emergency surgery they should not give you a computer and internet access. Oh but then I wouldn't have made it through the first 24 hours. I'm an internet addict. What would I have done without my computer? It was the first thing I asked be brought to me when I realized I would be having surgery. If I ever had to choose between internet or electricity hands down internet would win out every time. I must feel connected to other people and internet helps me feel connected.

So what exactly lead to my emergency surgery? Things were going along swimmingly. January, the month I dred was almost over. That Thursday I had tutored my private student and was at the center in Rochester with my second student I see there. All of the sudden I got this heat in the middle of my rib area about ten minutes into the lesson. I remember thinking that's odd and went to get a drink of water. I started teaching the lesson again but after a few minutes I knew I needed to go get checked out. I told my student that I wasn't going to be able to finish found the director and left the center. My plan was to drive to Dover since I was in Rochester and wasn't even sure where that hospital was. I also felt that Dover had a better reputation then Rochester. I quickly gathered up all my belongings and out the door I went. I didn't get far. Perhaps 500 ft to the Walgreens when I decided I couldn't drive to the hospital. I pulled into Walgreens and dialed 911.

The ambulance gave me the choice of going to Rochester or Dover. I stuck with Dover and we were off. My insides felt like they were burning. Pain was coming from the lower right hand side and going up under ribs. Ouch!!The ambulance people couldn't get an iv in nor could the people at the hospital. I waited for a few hours and nothing was being done. At this point I was pretty certain that I had apendicitious. The nurse that came in the room yelled at me for screaming. I was like I can't help it my insides are burning. I have been here 3 hours and you haven't even put an iv in. She said the they couldn't do anything until I saw the Dr. Finally 10:30 pm and they take me to scan. After the scan the nurse came in and gave me something for the pain. At this point I think I text my parents to let them know what is going on and that most likely I'll need a ride home. Things get hazey after that. I do remember them being in the room when the Dr. came in the room and saying that there was fluid leaking out of my stomach and I needed emergency surgery. I think I texted my Dr. I had texted her earlier while in the ambulance. The beauty of having my drs text number. I hardly ever use it but if any time was the time it was that day. When the Dr came in I remember signing papers for consent to operate. I don't remember getting an iv. The er drs had avoided doing that because I had warned them I usually have to have a picc line. I think it was about 2:45 am when I came out of surgery. I always wake right up once they aren't giving me sleepy medicine. Sometimes the Drs have tried to put me out for procedures and the meds dont work. Once I even had endoscope done and was talking and remembering everything that happened. I asked the nurse why I didn't fall asleep that time and her answer was they didn't give me enough stuff. lol.

When I finally woke I could tell this wasn't going to be as simple as expected. They were saying at least a week in the hospital. Ugh! I had a ng tube down my throat to keep any gastric juices from getting in and a cath in. I also had a jp drain and pain pump. The nurses kept telling me that I wasn't using the pain  pump enough. Well I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. I think this is when I sent that blog out. I was thinking I would write and let people know what was going on. Somehow the wrong blog entry was posted. Opps! I was so glad that I had my computer back I just got right on. I should have given myself some time before they let me loose with my computer and the internet. lol. I should know myself by now. Most times I take pain killers I go the opposite way. I almost get hyper and I'm extremely chatty. According to my mother this also occurred when she would give me medications like dimeatap when younger. All the meds that usually put someone to sleep don't have much effect on me. I've tried many different drugs and yet none have seemed to work. Leave it to me with being a tough nut to crack. lol. I'm sure unique. 

The week stay was very hard on me. I hate hospitals and I have extra concerns that make hospital care extremely stressful for me. I was so glad to get out of the hospital the next Friday. I had begged and pleaded to get out of the hospital. I let them take my picc out of me and I went home. I'm the worst at being patient and that is what I was supposed to do. Grrr By the next Sunday I had a uti. Ugh!! When I finally got on my feet I went back to the center and the director said I couldn't continue with the tutoring program. I am still very upset with this. The program had been my complete focus this year. I had spent hours on classwork and preparing lessons. I already had 45 hours on lessons taught. I missed my kidos too. Now they aren't receiving services and I had one girl that is in so much need. I later found out that our director had resigned and 2 other girls out of five were not continuing either. Say what? 

Now I'm not so sure of what I should do. I put some much into the training but have nothing to show for it on my resume. It now will look like I have a big gap in the resume. I'm concentrating on looking for teaching jobs for next year. I've continued to tutor my private student every week and this summer may pick up another girl going into 2nd grade. I wish finding a job what just happen. I feel like I've been waiting for so long and once that happens I can get on with my life. I know I'm good at teaching. That is what all the parents tell me. Sometimes I tend to forget this though because the not being able to get a teaching job has dictated my worth. I had this order that life needed to happen and when I decided to quit my job teaching in VA and move back to NH the plan fell flat. I regret quitting now but I really felt that coming back with teaching experience would help me get a teaching job in NH. At the time I made that decision I was really missing NH and my family. My sisters had gotten engaged, dad retired etc. I didn't want to miss the family stuff that was happening. I knew I didn't want to miss out on relationships with my future nieces and nephew. I missed how safe I felt in NH. In Arlington I always had to lock my doors. I couldn't let down my guard for safety. In NH it is a total different feeling. I love small town USA. Knowing your neighbors etc. Now I need to move forward. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I just want to teach. Sigh!!

I'm going to try to blog a lot more. I always am thinking of blog posts I should write. I'm just not sure if I will post on this public blog or my private one. Problem is on this one I have to watch what I say on this one. Yet on private one sometimes I ask for feedback and I don't get any. I need some sort of place to express my thoughts since there are many times I don't say what I feel.

My latest youtube videos. First one finished when I got out of the hospital. Second one I had been working on since before Christmas when my friends daughter Kendall was in the hospital. The finishing up of that video also happened in the hospital. LOL Lesson learned. Kendall's family is doing a benefit on Sat in Nashua to help out with all the drs bills.  Enjoy!  

Missing her

Missing her

Wow Lyssie, Can it be that in a few more hours it will be 2 years since you passed away? The tears just  started rolling down my face. I miss you more then you know. I wish you hadn't left us. I wish that you were still here and tomorrow I was planning a trip to Maine with the balloon I have in my car. Instead I'm sending the balloon up at 1:18 am. I think it will ride heaven's express to find you. This year it is a princess balloon with many of the princess' on it. 

Facebook Rant

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=350719465036731&set=a.223064071135605.45905.222272341214778&type=1&theater

How funny is it that I start my Facebook Rant Post with a quote I found on Facebook.

Oh goodness! I know it's been a very long time since I used this blog. I have had about three other post I have wanted to make but sometimes you just need to vent. Let me start off my saying how greatful I am that Facebook wasn't all that when I was in college. I don't know when I would have finished all my school work. It was bad enough that I had to ban all non class book and trashy mags during semesters. It's funny to think back to my Fresh year in college. We only got one t.v. channel in our rooms and that was our local PBS station. In college we were forced to leave our rooms if we wanted to watch ER on Thursday nights. Our dorm came up with pranks to keep things happening. We still enjoyed a good hunt on Oregon Trail to keep us entertained. We actually drove all night to meet up with people we had met online.Mount Holyoke MA Anyone? Pop Quiz? How many pounds of meat could you carry back to the wagon? Those were the days of spending nights in the study lounge coloring my leg with a high lighter or me duck tapping a friend to the bed and calling everyone into the room waiting for Fred to wake up. My roomie and I getting locked inside our room. What can I say? We were the non alcoholic dorm so we had to use our brain to keep ourselves entertained. I don't think I would have been half as adventurous if Facebook had been invented.

They say technology is great but I think it depends on how you use it. I have to admit that I can go without t.v, movies for a week but giving up the internet for 6 hours drives me crazy. Hello, My name is Sarah and I'm addicted to the internet. They say admitting it is the first step. Ha! The internet has opened up so many avenues for people. The same reason it's good can also be the reasons its bad. The internet has allowed me to meet many amazing people and families. I have met people that are like me in many ways. The internet can be a wonderful support system if used the right way. When it isn't used the proper way it can cause pain like a weapon does when not used properly. 

I'm sure doctors can tell us they have had patients that look up their condition and come in telling the doctor what they have demanding a prescription. That is just one simple example of the internet not being that helpful. The biggest thing that has been bugging me the most is on Facebook they allow people to write status updates. Tonight I get on Facebook and these are the first two posts that I read. 

Since coming to the hospital a few weeks ago we have been under the impression Shay has been battling post radiation brain swelling from the last round of radiation. She has lost the ability to walk, open her eyes, breathe without help, and now is having a hard time hearing and talking. Today we received the results of Shay's MRI.The tumors in her brain and the one in the brainstem have rapidly progressed. They have taken over and there isn't any medical treatments to stop it now. There isn't anything left to do. We have been moved from ICU and are back on the stem cell unit as that is where we are most comfortable. We are now starting comfort care for our remaining time with her. We are going to make her as comfortable as possible and we will be sure she is in NO pain. I cannot begin to put into words how devastating this all is. I don't think I will ever be able to tell my babygirl goodbye. Whether we have a day or a week left together I am going to make sure she knows that she has been the best 7 years of my life. There are no words to describe my love for her and I hope everyone understands that this will be my last post for the time being. All of my energy is going to be put to being sure Shay is comfortable and making sure her brothers somewhat understand. Thank you everyone for all the support during this horrible time, it truly is appreciated.

I fuckin hope I die soon cause I am sick of the bull...... my life is. I don't fit in anywhere. I am really going to disappear

have a vicious hatred for myself and I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't fit in anywhere so I'll just remove myself. I don't mean I'm killing myself. We ll I suppose that's what'll happen ultimately with this relapse and have come close recently but whatever. I just don't care anymore. I try so hard every day. Nobody understands how hard I try and I am just exhausted. I just feel rejected and unloved and so I hate myself even more. I'm not going to pretend anymore. I am falling apart. I am dying. Practically everything I do on a daily basis is destructive to myself. Th e only reason I wanted to stop bping was just to starve better. So? Sp wjat? You're going to judge me now? Who are YOU to judge me? I'm sick. This is a progressive mental illness and I've had it for 18 years and yes, eventually it does make you truly crazy and irrational and mean and you lose everything you never really had to begin with. I just don't care anymore. I am done.

Wow! You say. I was blown away. The first status makes me feel heart broken. What Shay's family would give for simple problems. How can someone (Yes, I know the second person is in a lot of pain but....)not value life? I so wanted to post the first status on the second person's status. Help put things in perspective. Actually I started this post two weeks ago. Shay is now dead. Very sad. Little children are dying everyday because there is no cure for what they have. It's really hard for me to see trival status updates that parents write about their children annoying them for doing something. When you are upset with a child, perhaps your child facebook is not the appropriate medium for venting. I just wish parents would see how lucky they are to have kidos and be happy that their child is around to annoy them sometimes. Life is very precious and shouldn't be taken for granted.

It's been a while well a long long while since I posted on this blog. Could have Should have done this a while but after my April post on my other blog blogger changed everything and I hate change. So many decisions so much to ponder. I am a bit excited and apprehensive that they are taking my older sister's baby early next week. She's been classified as high risk because she is 40, has had few miscarriages. My sister well both of them have gestational diebetes. Thing is baby has started losing weight. Baby is 4.5 pounds right now so we don't know what to expect. Honestly my sister jinxed it right from the start. They still refuse to get the baby anything, no baby shower etc. Both my sisters were due first week in August. Ha it was going to be my best Birthday yet. I just pray this kid will be o.k.


As for life it isn't good. I want to teach so badly but nothing. It kills me so much inside. I miss the kids. I can't believe the class I student taught in graduated from high school this year. I love hearing from them now. I pray they all stay healthy and happy. All my students are my kids. I just love them that much. It's funny on fb to hear some of my students remembering their 5th grade year and wishing they could go back to it. 5th grade doesn't look too bad when you are going into your senior year of high school know the decisions that you will be making in the next few lives will most likely set your life on course. I feel like I've failed at this. Failed at life.No job no guy no kids. The job situation is killing me. I know I'm good at teaching kids. I've seen the results and have been told by many that their children made progress because of me. I even would consider tutoring kids in hospitals. Maybe I could get an edge in child life that way because the program to get in it is crazy. I interested in counseling siblings of cancer patients. Again the issue is how to get there.


I'm trying to fight for a little girl's MAW trip. Her bio dad won't sign the paperwork so she can go on the trip to see MICKEY MOUSE. The father has not been involved in this child's care and all the sudden January comes and he want visitation. It would be ok if he was a normal guy but from what I heard he has been very neglectful of his daughter on her overnights. She came back Sunday from a visit and was so confused because her dad told her not to like the grandparents and say she wanted her dad and half sister to go on the trip instead. Then she cried and told her grandparents what her dad had told her to say. He also isn't concerned with her medical protical for her cancer. Makes me made that this four year old can't have her wish because the dad won't sign. Blah. Been talking with the village etc. The dad only gets visits and has no legal rights to this child yet he has the power to take her wish away?


O.K Things have been very rough lately possible no job what to do anxiety, dream anxiety, being hurt my friends. No one that would read this blog, and insurance issues. My lapo surgery did go well on May 31 but didn't find anything. Family coming back on Friday. Julie made another Lyssie video that I will place here after my letter.

Dearest Lyssie: Couldn't find the purple so this will have to do. I hope you caught the balloon I sent up to you. I know Erin and Ellie got theirs too. It just didn't feel right not getting you one too. I saw so many new balloons you would have loved. I had to distract my mind and chat with the people buying balloons as to not cry. Boey's song  came on too so I think she wanted to be remembered too. You know I wish I had all the answers about heaven. Wish I could be certain. Here's one do kids age in heaven? Do you get thrown birthday parties, Are you watching Mom Mom and Babe? Do you know all my secrets? Somehow I think you knew my secrets while you were here. When kids die that are older then you are you older in heaven? Have you met Erin yet? There's so much I don't know. I do know that your parents miss you so much Allysa Elizabeth. Not a minute goes by that they don't think of you. I haven't gone back to visit because at first I got real sick and now I think I'd cry so much I'd loose it. I'm very aware of certain dates. When I visited, made plates etc. I just really miss you. There have been countless conversations in my head with you. How I wish you were back here. I would make your Mom Mom a video but need different pictures. I learned how to make video for Erin's family but not sure they liked it. I was trying to give them something to remember Erin. Oh well I tried. I know you are very busy up there but could you help me out a bit? Give me some direction to go on? Is it time to go home? I love you I like you to infinitey and beyond. P.S. Watch over my sister's baby (Shsh I want a girl) and send her down with a big kiss from you. My mind is getting so weery Think you get that more then people here. I miss you Lyssie

This song is sort of appropriate to answer questions. Lyssie you know I'm having a hard time feeling him. 

Happy 5th Birthday Lyssie!!!

Happy 5th Birthday Lyssie. I'm headed to the beach so you can get your singing balloon. I know you wanted it because when I left the parking lot two little girls stopped me and asked for it. I think you wanted it then because the wind started and I almost lost it. I was going to make you wait til your real Birthday time but 11:36 pm is really late so I'm going now. I bought a plant for your mom mom and babe, sent the girls their bracelets. I picked most of the picts and recruited a stranger to do it and what a wonderful job she did. We didn't get daddy, Auntie Meg or your Ivy. I tagged them too but guess it didn't happen. I sent some secret angels out to your family. I hope you are having a blast in Heaven. We miss you here so much!!!!! It hasn't been easy without you here. I like you! I love you to infinity and beyond!!!!!

Why some people have it harder then others.

I read this a long time ago in a cb parent blog and was trying to remember exactly how it was written. She makes some good points and I look at each level of life. Like spirituality is one area of your life. You can be the top in one area of your life but weak in another. I look at life as a journey and lessons learned. So here goes this one mom's perspective on spirituality.Guess I'm not in kindergarten on this one. I do think it is good to always question in the spirituality realm. If I had just taken what I learned in Sunday school as truth then really would I have grown in my beliefs? It is about being open to all beliefs and what they believe. Learning as much as you can, having discussion, and an open mind toward what others believe. You take the lessons you learn through experience and you try to make the world a better place. I wouldn't take away anything I've gone through in life because it makes me and shapes me into who I am today. Here is a cool analogy on faith.


God showed me that if we could take a spool of white ribbon and paint the tip (approximately the size of your pinky fingernail) red, then take the spool and throw it, allowing it to go around and around the world, never ending. The tiny portion of red is our very short time on earth- the white, our eternity in paradise. I try to remind myself of this frequently, whenever I am going through something of great stress or pain. This is one of the things God revealed to me.
Earlier, I told you that I know why my sweet baby has cancer. I know why some of you have endurred much suffering, while others breeze through life with very little difficulty.
God showed me that this, our time on earth, is our education or school. We actually started off in Heaven (The Bible tells us that God knew us before we were even conceived in the womb- that's because we started out in Heaven!) And, when we graduate from "school" we will return to Heaven and recognize it as home!" Oh what a glorious day that will be!
That said, when you think back to your years of school, there was one thing that forced you to study. Without these, we surely would have procrastinated for things we found to be more pressing at that moment. Can you guess? (It was the tests!) When we had a test, we had to prioritize studying or risk the chance of failing.
The tests forced us to learn the material.
It works very much the same way in our spiritual education here on earth- it is the tests that take us to a higher level of wisdom quicker than anything else. Just as there are a multitude of children and adults receiving education from primary school to post-graduate, so there is with our spiritual education!
Our spirits are born of this earth, each being at a different level of education- some seem to be born with the perfect health, the perfect bodies, families, finances, marriage- everything seems so easy for them! This is because they are in "spiritual kindergarten" or "elementary school." Their tests can't be any harder than this in order for them to grow.
Likewise, there are those with more than their fair share of hardships. Their souls are so brilliant and beautiful that their tests MUST be harder in order for them to grow. Though this may sound hard to believe, a difficult journey is NOT a punishment from God. It is an honor. (If a teacher were to have pulled you from a sixth grade class to tell you that the school deemed you too intelligent for the sixth grade and wanted to bump you up to the ninth grade- most of you would have felt proud and honored, even if a little nervous about whether or not you could get through it.)
Think about this.... you wouldn't take a five year old and put him/her in college physics. The material/the tests would be far too difficult and the child would not grow.
Likewise, you would not take the genius and put him in kindergarten. The material/tests would be much too easy and the person wouldn't grow.
It works the same way in our "spiritual education." There are "kindergarten spirits" whose lives seem so easy. Their tests can be no harder than this in order to grow.
Then there are the spirits of the "advanced courses," those among us who have more than their fare share of difficulties and hardships, some beginning in childhood with parents who are less than loving. There are people who suffer with illness or injury, those whose loved ones die, those who suffer through divorce after the spouse they had loved for years was found to have been cheating, and those who suffer financial ruin in spite of working hard all of their lives. And then there are children with cancer.
God cautioned me to be careful who I judge! That the journey of a drunk, lying in his own squalor, has been so much more difficult than mine, is a testimony to the strength of his soul.
In my practice, I have had the honor of working with a very young clinical genius who was very upset. Twice a week, while his young peers were out playing at recess, he was working on algebra far beyond his years. He was angry, saying "Not fair, Ms Terri!"
Now, part of me felt sorry for him. He was so young and having to miss recess for extra tutoring. Yet, a stronger part of me was saying, "toughen up, your mind is so powerful, it requires more!"
And so it is with our spirits. My little, precious baby girl has the powerful soul of royalty. Her tests are so very difficult....I am in awe of her. More than this, I am so honored to be her mother.
Some of you have such powerful souls, that surely if your flesh could fall from your bones, I would need shades to bear the brilliance of your soul! Your journey is hard because you are in "physics" - it is hard because it has to be.

Something to think about where are you on your spiritual journey? Kindergarten? Physics? Somewhere in the middle? Open up discussion os the best method of learning and growing. Now to find a song Please don't be offended if it is Christ like.



Songs like this one wake people up to others. The world isn't supposed to be about me me me but serving and helping others despite your hardships other still need to be lifted up too. Sometimes I do expect more from others because I give so much more and I care so much more. I don't care if I go without so others needs can be met. It is never about me but helping others. We don't live in our own little world. You can chose not to click the links on fb because it's too hard but reality is that people's pain is still there you can chose to ignore and live in your own little world of me me me or feel others pain and help them through it. Remember somebody's always got it harder then you do.